So, a few Thursdays back, Party Nation decided to throw this ‘free alcohol’ thing at Bottoms Up which you obviously attended with your boys probably to teach yourselves another ‘pombe sio supu’ lesson. So you get there and devour all spirits. Next thing, your crew, with you included is throwing tantrums for more free alcohol. Nobody really cares what you are doing, so the excessive energy dies out and you guys take a chill pill. You sit there miserably broke and no more alcohol. Wait a minute..., what is that! Those delicious, perfect chunk of flesh between that skirt-slit is adorable. Who is that? You thought. How could she be so perfect! Literally, anyone with eyes would drool over those defined structure of legs. It has just the right amount of everything, you know..., right from complexion to the bone inside, you just can't explain it. The way she sat on that high bar seat, with her hips carefully spread slightly beyond the edges of the cushion, proclaimed that she is not only African but blessed at being African as well. You want her. Everyone does. Her bushy blond hair slightly falling on her face when there is some wind. The way she pulls it behind her ear like its involuntary response. You sit there hoping that she would steal a glance to your direction. At least then you could wink or something like that to get her attention.
You can't help but secretly drool from the other end of the room with your up-tight girlfriend hooked onto you like a peg. Sober like she just woke up. You wished you hadn’t brought her. She is so focused with both your lives and now you guys look like a 20th year anniversary couple who think alcohol is for losers and smokers are just dead men walking. So she prefers both of you taking Apple juice. Rules are meant to be broken, so you sneak out once in a while to slightly abuse those drugs. You need it because she is so up- tight it scares you that your boys might think she is your nanny.
You must have her, you vow to Kiarie, and being your boy, he automatically is your wing man and you both try to get rid of the girlfriend issue before proceeding to mission number two. You buy her sticks of mshikaki from Timo hapo outside bottoms up. And she feasts on them. You buy her more sticks with large chunks of meat like you trying to make her blackout on intoxication of meat. You just want her to grow fat so fast and go home. Kiarie goes by the script and suggests that it's getting late and you should probably take your mama to sleep. You play along and agree with Kiarie. You even start complaining that it's getting too cold. The happy-go-lucky bird gives in and you walk her home, tuck her in bed, peck her goodnight and you are off to hunt.
Back in the bar, Kiarie is keeping an eye on your prey for you. ‘wingmanning’. He does it so good. If only it was a career, you thought. He looked so comfortable with her. She is actually laughing at his jokes! How!?!? Kiarie is not so interesting, how does he get along with all beautiful mamas like this, you wonder.
So you walk towards them and join in the conversation. Kiarie introduces you to Nyokabi, chats on for a while and off he goes. His work is done.
You both laugh aloud at a joke you made and probably have conversation based on opinions on first world problems. You talk about Airtel promotions and how those guys must be making more loses than profits with being too generous. You both complain at how the government is increasing taxes and stealing from wananchi. Tsk! Like you pay taxes. You are even clueless about the rates. Those extreme ‘avenues' people use to make conversation. Ati politics! All you know about politics is that there is a minister who introduced Alco-blows and she on the other end, all she knows is Julie Gichuru's Peruvian weave. For a moment there, you would see that she was so convinced that Uhuru was not president. But since both of you are spitting random self-based facts, why not just keep up with the conversation.
The night is still young, you brainstorm on what to do and while at it, you ‘close'. She invites you over to her place and the night becomes INTERESTING. Christmas just came early for you.
You wake at dawn and off you go. Back to your woman.
You crave her in the middle of the week and all you have to do is make a phone call and Nyokabi is all in. She is interesting, you have never met a lady who asks for as little as she does. She needs no attention, never asks for some ‘me-time' and takes really good care of herself. You don't lay in bed and blab about your feelings all day. Let alone emotions, it's been three months, you still don't know her first name. You even do not know if Nyokabi is her real name. She knows you are in a stable relationship with `that girl' so she knows how to stay in her lane. She knows all the rules of the game.
She plays along to your music and loves to keep real low. You no longer need a lock up on your phone because clearly she doesn't care enough to snoop. She obviously won't be on your page looking for pictures you liked and other pretty mama's that you follow. And you sit and wish life was as easy as Nyokabi.
You start being creative with the excuses you give your main lady. You even ‘kill' your boy, Kiarie. Ati “Kiarie just got an accident, he died, that why I came home late” Kiki is probably somewhere giving a lucky bustard a chance at love, wing man.
You know how women become dirty cops in situations like this. You get trapped by your own words. And now she is screaming at your face begging you to confess. She obviously does not suspect Nyokabi. She even does not know Nyokabi. So she makes up some story of some mama who digs you. You cannot accept and neither can you deny. Both answers could get you killed.
And you get caught. When you did not fall at her knees and apologize, she stalked out the front door and slammed it. You probably follow her and try to explain. It takes a while but its working your way. You are so convinced that she is convinced. You Lay low and act like love birds for a couple of days, strategy. Things go back to normal and Nyokabi is your new normal.
Your random escapades become frequent and it begins to get boring. You probably now miss your lady now and you are tired of sneaking around, you need a boring life immediately. And though Nyokabi clearly enjoyed her time with you, you are already finding the ‘Christmas' a little stale. If she broke up with you now, it would only save you the trouble of doing it yourself. So you call it quits.
Now the crazy in her just walked out of the tomb. She is stalking you like a wild dog. She keeps on calling and texting to get your attention. She wants you and can't stand the fact that you left. Your lady finds out and this time she leaves for good. Nyokabi plays her games and when she is fed up, she walks up to you in one of those happy days you are at, then she brakes the ‘baby- daddy' news, and she already named him after your old man. How worse can this get? Case dismissed.