Samuel Njuguna

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To The Land Of The Friendzone And Beyond

09 Feb
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Point of note this article is for all the fallen brothers out there who wake up daily in the friend zone and literally keep building and planning its interior décor with the girl who put him there.

Enjoy.

 

Call me Winston, say I am five foot 9 in height and I am a bit chunky. By chunk I mean tubular with tiny legs. When you look at me I want you to imagine Johnny Bravos long lost cousin from a farm house and with a mother who spoils me and provides me with everything I want in life. My home town Name, mama’s boy.

At this point all you can see when look at me is a fat boy whose face is filled with chocolate and you have to admit, it makes you want to friend zone me, and if you’re a guy your gut will tell you that I am as dangerous as a cat… just not its other word please I hate cats and I hated the friend zone. It was a living nightmare.

“Winston, do you think Steve likes me?”

“Winston, do I look pretty enough?”

“Winston, he broke my heart please stay and make me feel better.”

“Winston you are such a good listener. You are going to make some girl very happy.”

At that point time freezes.

If you watch the Originals, one of the most brilliant vampire stories ever told on television you will have seen how often they threaten and kill each other by one pushing his/her hand in to the Chest of another and holding their heart. In that frozen most beautiful moment she rips your heart out and feeds it to you with her smile still intact on her now ugly face.

It hits your harder than you would ever ‘hit’ it *pun intended*. Repeat it one more time so it can sink in a little bit deeper in your mind.

“I am in the zone,”

No it’s not like the good one where you are winning. Chanting with power and vigour saying I AM IN THE ZONE! I AM IN THE ZONE! NOO! NOOO! NO! NO! Repeat it again, properly this time and with a sad and weepy face, like the moment you realized you were the only one who didn’t know what sex was. Yes make that face and say it again.

“I - am - in – the – Friend - Zone.”

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First step to getting over an addiction? Admitting that you have a problem. So I will make it really easy for you. Walk away dude.

Do you want to be her gay but not so gay friend who takes her shopping? Talks about her family? Her work? Her interests? Oh hell you even discuss some bed techniques, which one she loves and how other men give it to her good. Like you never will.

As you read it kindly repeat the last line on the paragraph above and make a harsh mean face gritting the words through your teeth and remember, like – you – never - will.

Don’t let her “but I thought we were forever?” or “Why are you being so selfish?” perhaps even “I never wanted to lose you like any other guy.” Dude pain is not like Girl pain. They let it out and they cry their asses off. You know this because they do that with you. What about you? You ask? You are a man and we don’t let pain out easily so the least you can do is let it go. Don’t be the guy who is always waiting for another guy to screw up so you can jump in and save the day.

 

Let her go and get another one. I can promise you that they are all special and unique in their own way.

 

Be adventurous and go for girls who are way out of your league, I mean if a man can discover a continent without a map then I mean without a doubt you can get a girl. However if after a year you are still high and dry, it’s time for some ‘out of your league’ adjustments in to under your standards for a minute Venture out of the land of the Friend zone in to the beyond. Believe me it’s a beautiful place out there.

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