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Things That USIU Students Need to Leave in 2015

31 Dec
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Ironically Samuel Njuguna’s first contribution of the year is the last one of the year. Ideally this article should be filled with a bunch of funny moments and/or regrets,  followed by a piece of wise wisdom to show off his age a little and a mention of the position he has in the student gover....  see already boring. So we'll skip right to it.

First, Prof.  Freida Brown's retirement is a big blow to many, for those of who don't know who she is, google is not just for movies, series or learning how to roll a joint it's also your best friend. We wish Dr. Zaleza the incoming Vice Chancellor the best of luck and our 100% support.  Now, over with the serious stuff.

It’s been a crazy year from having two by elections, a lot of entertaining and mildly political drama on the USIU-Africa Facebook group, a botched campus awards night, a FANTASTIC Mr. and Miss USIU competition and an amazing Culture week. This year has been beautiful.

There are a few things we could leave in 2015 and top of that list is the staggering number of f*ck boys in USIU. Oh! my goodness did Donald Trump have mentorship program with the IQ's of the boys here? Look around and all I see is Trap-music-playing-head-thumping-fake-accent-pushing boys who just want to get high and shag. This by the way, Sam learnt from a big number of girls who use his ears as a Dr. Phil episode for their troubles.

For the girls, sigh two things.

One, what’s with the lipstick craze? Then you start bashing each other’s lipstick "oh mine is from blah blah blah and hers is the cheap one from blah blah blah." Dudes don't know lipstick, we don't care and we don't want to care.  Just don't overdo it unless it’s sexy, don't let it kill our vibe and for crying out loud don't talk to us about lipstick because believe it or not we don't know and don't care about it.

Two, we know your red sister comes around once monthly; basic biology facts about life.  when we ask you "Hey you,  how you doing?" and you start describing your cramps, how and when you get them, it’s about time I tell you that you are violating several codes of decency, personal space and whole lot of too much information. I didn't ask you for your life story and if you have to tell me just please say "Girl stuff". Trust me, we get it. Unless we specifically ask about it just lightly and like a LADY brush it off because you know, miss independent. (Eh, Sam, these USIU girls have really cried on your shoulders, haven’t they?)

At the beginning of 2015, you had big plans, yes? So off went the new year and you stuck to your rules. You decided to attend class more, which is a good thing since some of you had been known for your notorious absenteeism or when you decided to attend class, it would have to be one of those casual strolls one hour into the class and the whole class would be looking at you with a raging lecturer gazing at you. You decided enough was enough and you did better. Mazel Tov!

2015 was also the year that you realized it is not always about getting in between the sheets (Hmmm… Questionable). You realized that sometimes the proverbial ‘Netflix and Chill’ could actually work. You had met someone who had invited you to their place to ‘Chill’ (Now this word has always been misused for activities that include; bhang sessions, second generation binge alcohol drinking and such like atrocities. This word means sitting down with someone and enjoying a good conversation). And you did just that. When you got to their place, some nice music was playing in the background, warm coffee had been brewed and you chatted endlessly with this person for hours. This did not include any suggestive touching that usually ends south too fast. (Buut…. We’re in college bro. What are you doing actually chilling?) You opened yourself to this individual in the purest way and it suddenly dawned on you that you could do better. This person to this date is your soulmate and you couldn’t have wanted more! Magnifique!

 

A few #ThingsShouldBeLeftin2015 pointers (Written in the infamous, incoherent “sheng” language)

1 Watu kuchill cafeteria na hakuna kitu ya maana wanafanya sana sana Team Mafisi please tabia ikome.

2 Watu waache kujipatia accent after one semester in USIU. Uko Africa ndugu

3 Wasichana wanakula Mama Rosy ndio the real MVP.

4 Bottom's Up should come back bigger and better. Hii mambo ya watu kuboeka by 9:00p.m na ni Thursday sijui ilitoka wapi.

5. Roysambu ladies, next time you invite a guy over, make sure umempatia warning anaweza bebwa na maji ya mvua anytime

6. Madem wa journalism waanze kuwa warembo. Viatu haziezi enda TV

7. Tupewe nduthi mpaka School of science

8. Hawa madem wanafanya pharmacy tuwajue,ndo tuassociate na brilliance(Ai?)

9. Watu waache kunona na uko na deni ya mtu

10. Wanaume waache kuongeza piercing kama za madem . Unatembea na mtu anakaa mabati

11. San Marino iwe ka Java, ndo tupeleke madem wa public uni dates huko

12. Wanaume kuweka hairstyle ya the weekend.. tuwache please. Ama opposition walisema budget ya steel wool iliwekwa kando? Sufuria inavaliwa kama kofia alafu inasuguliwa vilivyo?

13. Kila dem kuwa na fashion blog please tukome

14. Hawa macouple wanashinda mapenzi 24/7 kila mahali nina methali kwao: 'mta achana tu”

b2ap3_thumbnail_bf6aee28-9347-4fda-8841-d66ddfc41945.jpg

Have you been on a dry spell? Don’t beat yourself up cause:

1. Kuna Dem kitu imemnyonya hii mwaka yote ni mosquito tu

2. Kuna msichana kitu imemwingia ni roho mtakatifu tu

3. Kuna chali ile kitu amebang pekee ni mlango

4. Kuna chali kitu amemwaga tu ni maji ya kuosha nguo

5. Kuna boy kitu amesimamisha hii mwaka ni mathree.

 

Well, from the USIwho team, (Abiud Khimani, Amina Polleh, Lewis Chege, David Ngeru, Elvis Odera, Kamarichi Mbarani, Samuel Njuguna & Virginia Mochama) it’s been a good year.
On to the next year, we’ll keep you posted and entertained!
Keep up with us on Facebook, Twitter & Instagram

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

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Tagged in: 2015 Campus HappyNewYear

Comments

  • Guest
    Joel Dubsane Gasto - Thursday, 31 December 2015

    Interesting, hilarious with large hints of the truth. I like the article:D:D

  • Guest
    Kerubo Mayaka - Friday, 01 January 2016

  • Guest
    Vinya - Friday, 01 January 2016

    Interesting points there lol...

  • Guest
    Maureen - Saturday, 02 January 2016

    This article is everything! So hilarious and extremely accurate! Loved every bit of it!

  • Guest
    Chebet Kirui - Saturday, 02 January 2016

    Great article..kuchomana tu:D

  • Guest
    Wamahiga Wambugu - Saturday, 02 January 2016

    Hahahaaa!!!
    hapo umenena ukweliii mtupu!!
    Keep it up!
    hilarious and true.

  • Guest
    Wamahiga Wambugu - Saturday, 02 January 2016

    Hahahaaa!!!
    hapo umenena ukweliii mtupu!!
    Keep it up!
    hilarious and true.

  • Guest
    Alexander - Saturday, 02 January 2016

    Rather accurate. #be real..... is the way. Keep it 100.
    Good work guys

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