Usiu-Africa is a beautiful place. Immediately you step into the lush attractive lawns that are properly manicured. The cool fresh expensive air tugging at your hair. (At this point any kind of hair is welcome. From the weaves we are treated to daily to the rugged Dedan Kimathi ensemble that has become common with boys nowadays). We all joined with hopes and dreams but along the way, we segregated into groups and sects that I will attempt to demystify shortly.
THE ACTORS AND ACTRESSES
This is very pivotal when in Usiu-Africa. You joined the university on a chilly Monday morning and sat in the auditorium as you were welcomed to the campus life. Friends, acquaintances were made very fast. Depending on where you were seated in the auditorium. If you sat to a lass who was very excitable then you landed your first girlfriend. Or you sat next to some wealthy kids who you found entertaining since they enjoyed your jokes and you were financially constrained so there was your comfort. Your parents probably waved goodbye to you at home expecting you to make it. You went into the system and you gave your ‘friends’ front row seats to your stellar performance. Picture this, you and some silly excuses for friends are lining up at the cafeteria to take some brunch. (Usually before Midday). You normally never eat during this time but since you want to move with the bandwagon, you comply. Out came their cards loaded and off they swiped at everything that tickled their taste buds. You shamelessly removed your card and ordered away. You knew it had no money but since you had to keep up you did it anyway. The cashier rebutted almost instantaneously telling you that your account was (zero, zouch, hakuna ,onge,nada,zilch)
You start overreacting and drama ensues before your friends quickly cover it up by just swiping with their cards. You passed the test! They say in unison “It was probably a hitch, don’t worry we got you “ . They still think you are rich. Your clothes are unique. Not because they are expensive but because your dealer in Gikomba has those rare pieces that no one else has. You are going to keep up with this behavior for four years. You are going to always stay in school late claiming that your driver is always late when your humble abode in Githurai 45 awaits you. You are very obedient with the off peak timings so as to pay ten shillings’ home. You ensure you are in a hood so that on one sees you. You are the rich city kid while back home you are the average middle class person. You cry yourself to sleep every night but you don’t want to change your ways. The hell that will burn you is eating an avocado in anticipation.
THE REALEST FOLKS
But then again are those people (Yours truly is included here) that do not give hoots about the status quo of being in Usiu-Africa. They are the loudest and most vocal. They are very popular and are known for their quips and repartees. They know all the happenings of campus and are eager to attend and participate. They hit on all kinds of girls and do not even care to know ‘whose daughter’ it could be. They do not even for a moment pretend to be someone else. Whether ‘team mafisi’ or ‘team nice guy’ , they feature prominently. They eat at Coast Dishes and Mama Rozy(S/O to Nick). Even the waiters there know how exactly how you like their ‘chapo’ or ‘samosa’. They sit and eat comfortably as cool kids stroll by casually coming to buy some chocolate caramel juice to down the oxtail they had just had for lunch. (If you are not conversant with terms such as ‘oxtail’ don’t worry 2016 is your year). These folks are undeniably the funniest people around. Their tales are the most hilarious. From being beaten up by bouncers in a club to stealing beer bottles because they bought too much alcohol and the club they were in was not socially amicable so they decided to take their French leave with the said alcohol bottles between their thighs. The stories will make you laugh till your tonsils hurt. This is in comparison with cool kids stories that are lackluster, unbecoming, in bad taste and full of ‘riche noveau’ overtones that end up annoying the listener instead of entertaining them. I will talk about them shortly.
THE RICH KIDS
These are undeniably the most visible crowd in Usiu- Africa. From well-manicured nails that are spotted miles away or the fitting ‘dockers’ khaki trousers that are worn in the right form. They wear police sunglasses ( You folks who wear ‘Rakban’ instead of ‘Rayban’ and strut them shamelessy should be burnt;take a que from the folks in discussion here). They speak genuine and refined English with ease and do not shy away from that. They can be put in the same group with the realest folks because they never hide from who they are. They simply cannot drive in a Toyota Vitz that all females are buying here and expecting a diamond ring for Valentines. They prefer a Volkswagen Golf instead. They prefer mojitos over an overpriced Fanta that some females take to Snapchat and flaunt about. (Sometime I will rant about Snapchat but not for now) They are chatty and bubbly and love the life of the party. From Blankets and Wine to Koroga festival; they will be sure to make a cameo and of course share it to you thirsty followers waiting for those snaps like manna. Their only failure is story telling which is sometimes boring because it’s all true and so unrelatable that people will not understand. They will hang at the cafeteria to enjoy the view of the library from upstairs while team fakeness gobbles away at some poorly cooked roasted potatoes that are barely palatable. I respect this group of people; they are very honest and candid. They state what they want. If its mutual attraction, then so be it. The latter however believes in some form of Victorian ways of dating that the male must always chase after you, call you, text you, save some money to take you out to some overrated restaurant and be flat broke at the end of it all. Rich folks don’t do it that way. They believe in modern practices such as splitting the bill, paying for the bill and being romantically involved provided that they have ascertained that you are worth it. Team fakeness expects you to struggle with the bill and the way Valentines is setup on a Sunday, thank the Gods! Team fakeness will subject you to a series of litmus tests before they say yes. This Valentines they are probably crying themselves to sleep because everyone gave up on their standards. Let me end my rant for now. Am waiting for the backlash that will ensue shortly. Peace Kende.!